Signs You Are a Geek Orthodox Parent

Let's be honest. We all have times when we realize that our parenting style is unique. Orthodoxy really does nothing to curtail that...individuality. So, watching art imitate life, here's a list of signs that you might be a Geek Orthodox parent.

1. You're worried your child's first word will be "Filioque"
2. You debate whether or not the 'Ham' baby food can really be considered meat, and what that might mean for Lent
3. You've called your wife Caspiantokos
4. You've ever had to say "Stop sucking on the Pascha basket!"
5. You tell people you only let your child play with wooden toys because Jesus was a carpenter, when really you're concerned about the BPA in plastic.
6. You've spent nights staring at the ceiling, wondering how you're going to break it to him that breastmilk isn't Lenten
7. You'll bar your child from watching violent TV and suggest they read about the Martyrdom of St. Peter the Aleut instead.
8. You've spent any significant amount of time trying to explain to an 8 month old that we are not trying to suck on the floor during prostrations.
9. When you want your spawn to stop doing something you accidentally shout "Anathema!"
10. You've tried to explain to the leader of Church School that yes, he's under a year old, but he's advanced 
11. You've got your arguments ready for someday explaining why really, Lenten Chocolate Cake is the only birthday cake he'll really want.
12. You make jokes about giving him a scorpion. He doesn't get them.
13. You're intrigued by the fact that there's a St. Hermione
14. You've ever called out "Honey, come quick! He's crying in Tone 4!"
15. You're not sure how to answer when people ask you if Athanasius is a family name
16. The first thing your kid ever ate after breastmilk was wine
17. You're not sure if an open mouth with a lot of tongue action counts as venerating the icon
18. You find new reasons to object to pews as in a quick moment of freedom you see a chubby foot disappear into the row in front of you
19. You claim his babbling is actually attempts at "Gospodi pomiloy"
20. You're concerned about explaining why your child claims he has more than one Father.
21. And that he's telling people that his daddy wears a black dress, but only on Sundays
22. You don't understand why the sign of the cross is not an official Baby Sign
23. You wish they sold amber teething chotkis 
24. You're repeating the Jesus prayer around him constantly in the hopes that it will be his first sentence.
25. The Christmas list you make for him is a list of icons that "he really needs"
26. Your child is disappointed when he finds out the mall santa will not be slapping Arius
27. Your wife discovers her head covering in Church can double as a nursing cover
28. The hair from "Baby's first haircut" is rolled into a ball of wax
29. You find the Cherubic Hymn makes the best lullaby
30. You have to tell your parents that their grandchild might call them Baba or Yia-Yia, and there's very little you can do about it.
31. It pains you that your baby cannot know the glory of baklava yet.
32. The implications of two Christmases is already worrying.
33. You stretched your humor a bit beyond the funny in order to make this list 33 points long.

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Sharkbait

So many of you know from Facebook that our little darling has decided now is the time to grow a dagger in his mouth a scalpel for our fingers a tooth. Seriously, what is that thing made of, laser-sharpened ninja swords? It's like a single razor blade amidst the soft, gooey, slime filled cave that is our spawn's mouth.

And this is what he does with it. My son, Beaver Boy.

Now some might take this as a sign that it's time to start him on solid foods. I believe in signs too. Has everyone seen 'The Exorcist'? Ok, I haven't but I feel like I have after I've seen Athanasius' reaction to solid foods. Now that's a sign. We've tried different foods, different consistencies, nothin' doing. So for now he's EBF, which means Exclusively Breast Fed on the Mommy forums I totally don't read.

Obligatory 'highlight-his cloth-diapers-so-everyone knows how environmental-we-are' shot 

We seriously recommend Best Bottoms Brand though. These things are awesome.

Anyway, speaking of environmental...

We're rolling in the green, no?

Despite the fact that a local squirrel has taken to digging up the garden at his whim, including digging up garlic to replant it in a different spot of the garden, and making the radishes grow in a weird sink hole like formation, we are seeing the fruits of our labors. I'm glad we're actually using the resources God has given us (a.k.a. the backyard) because I keep running into articles now talking about stewardship, especially as distinct from supporting your parish. From the perspective that everything we have is a gift, it really was sinful the way I had just let this whole place go to seed. I wasn't taking good care of something God had given me. Now it's just the squirrel who isn' taking good care of what God has given me.

Plus, watching your food actually grow and see the work you have to put into it really makes you more grateful for what you do have...and that the Farmer's Market is just two minutes away.

Organic or not, he still refuses to eat it.

'Tase has gotten really into trying to stand, sucking on anything in reach, and sitting in tubs.

If he had one of our toes in his mouth he'd be in heaven.

I don't get the tub thing, but he really enjoys it.

Exhibit A. Also Exhibits B and C because there are only so many "rub a dub dub, Chunkers in a tub" comments you can make in one blog post without harming a kid's self esteem.

And the standing thing only happens for split seconds at a time. He really wants to be mobile. His attempts to 'pet' the cat might really be more 'attempts to get this thing to pull me around like Balto'.

Do you remember Balto?! And Rock-a-Doodle. And Big League Chew, Zebra Stripe Gum, Bill Nye, and Hey Arnold. Man...Rugrats...good times.

Anyway, there will be plenty of time for our own renditions of I Love The 90's later.

Even if some of us are all ready to take in a little Nickelodeon before bed... 

OrthoMom and I have finally started watching New Girl. It's made me realize that eventually people are going to stop wanting to watch TV shows. Someday studios will have to produce five seasons of a show all at once to get people to want to watch them. Then those same studios will cry when they find out they've just made what amounts to five season's of a show with the ratings of Greg The Bunny.

I've also thought, wouldn't it be cool if they had two shows like "How I Met Your Mother," one from the man's point of view, and one from the woman's, but nobody knew they were going to be together until the last season when the shows merged together? That'd be awesome, but with our luck one of my sisters would only like one of the shows and it would get cancelled. Every show she loves gets cancelled.

You know who you are. I'm going to blame you if Downton Abbey and Dr. Who go under.

Sometimes I geek out over knowing I'll get to introduce him, someday, to Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, and The Doctor.

His mother has already introduced him to the Enterprise...but we don't talk about that.

And so we conclude this week's glimpse into Aweso...I mean, OrthoFamily. On the 7th Month Anniversary of his escape from the womb your reigning prince wishes you all a good evening.

And that he could walk.

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Snapshots

An update consisting entirely of photos, so as to catch us all up. Here we go!

They do not play well together. This is a rare moment between "I will grab your hair/head/leg/arm" and "Ha, you fool, I have teeth, feel my wrath."

This is Caspian with his Reepicheep.

He has the same look as the "crazy girlfriend" meme. Probably for the same reason. Google it.

In his natural environment (what we affectionately call "the cage") surrounded by his native costume.

"You have a gift for me?! Is it..."

"YOUR SOUL?!"

This is when we should be cleaning the house. Instead we spend these moments on pinterest searching "Cob House Design" because we both admit it would be easier to build a new home out of straw, sand, and clay and just burn this one down than clean it.

The cat creature seems to interpret his manhandling, pulling, and pushing as affection. I thus don't know whether to break him of this habit or not.

So the Spawn turned six months old...last month. He'll be 7 months on Friday. Yes, I am really, really behind on these posts.

A picture to highlight his cheeks, so as to distract you from your anger at me generated by the last caption...

And by now you've forgotten what you were upset about because LOOK HOW CUTE!

And with cold weather comes cold weather clothes, which I think are better for babies and adults. Everyone looks better in sweaters.

Mobility is becoming more and more an issue. He is now attempting to stand on his own. He has succeeded for a few seconds at a time. A cane has become useful, for swiping his feet out from under him. This may be why he only stands for a few seconds.

Of course, with winter clothes comes the risk that the thug life will choose your child. This is a natural course of events.

But the thug life can easily be countered by cardigans. Behold - British!baby

Telling Daddy a story, highlighting his balding existence. 

Totally GQ, amirite?

See you next time!

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