Signs You Are a Geek Orthodox Parent

Let's be honest. We all have times when we realize that our parenting style is unique. Orthodoxy really does nothing to curtail that...individuality. So, watching art imitate life, here's a list of signs that you might be a Geek Orthodox parent.

1. You're worried your child's first word will be "Filioque"
2. You debate whether or not the 'Ham' baby food can really be considered meat, and what that might mean for Lent
3. You've called your wife Caspiantokos
4. You've ever had to say "Stop sucking on the Pascha basket!"
5. You tell people you only let your child play with wooden toys because Jesus was a carpenter, when really you're concerned about the BPA in plastic.
6. You've spent nights staring at the ceiling, wondering how you're going to break it to him that breastmilk isn't Lenten
7. You'll bar your child from watching violent TV and suggest they read about the Martyrdom of St. Peter the Aleut instead.
8. You've spent any significant amount of time trying to explain to an 8 month old that we are not trying to suck on the floor during prostrations.
9. When you want your spawn to stop doing something you accidentally shout "Anathema!"
10. You've tried to explain to the leader of Church School that yes, he's under a year old, but he's advanced 
11. You've got your arguments ready for someday explaining why really, Lenten Chocolate Cake is the only birthday cake he'll really want.
12. You make jokes about giving him a scorpion. He doesn't get them.
13. You're intrigued by the fact that there's a St. Hermione
14. You've ever called out "Honey, come quick! He's crying in Tone 4!"
15. You're not sure how to answer when people ask you if Athanasius is a family name
16. The first thing your kid ever ate after breastmilk was wine
17. You're not sure if an open mouth with a lot of tongue action counts as venerating the icon
18. You find new reasons to object to pews as in a quick moment of freedom you see a chubby foot disappear into the row in front of you
19. You claim his babbling is actually attempts at "Gospodi pomiloy"
20. You're concerned about explaining why your child claims he has more than one Father.
21. And that he's telling people that his daddy wears a black dress, but only on Sundays
22. You don't understand why the sign of the cross is not an official Baby Sign
23. You wish they sold amber teething chotkis 
24. You're repeating the Jesus prayer around him constantly in the hopes that it will be his first sentence.
25. The Christmas list you make for him is a list of icons that "he really needs"
26. Your child is disappointed when he finds out the mall santa will not be slapping Arius
27. Your wife discovers her head covering in Church can double as a nursing cover
28. The hair from "Baby's first haircut" is rolled into a ball of wax
29. You find the Cherubic Hymn makes the best lullaby
30. You have to tell your parents that their grandchild might call them Baba or Yia-Yia, and there's very little you can do about it.
31. It pains you that your baby cannot know the glory of baklava yet.
32. The implications of two Christmases is already worrying.
33. You stretched your humor a bit beyond the funny in order to make this list 33 points long.